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chrisrob
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Quote chrisrob Replybullet Topic: Antacid
    Posted: 16 May 2012 at 10:15pm
This one's for Smurff:

An unusual side effect has been discovered affecting users of Ranitidine in mid winter who have found their finger nails growing rapidly.

You'd better watch out ... Zantac claws are coming to town!

Antacid (not to be confused with ant acid which is formic) is the title given to space filling humour in Barrett's Wessex newsletter.

If anyone knows, or can invent, any Barrett's / GORD / treatment related humour, please post it so we can use it.
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Sandra W
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 20 May 2012 at 10:11am
A fortune-teller appears in court charged with failing to honour a money-back guarantee.  He tells the judge that he refused to issue a refund because his client, a vicar, had Barrett's Oesophagus and there was a new treatment available called HALO 360 radiofrequency ablation.
 
Furious, the judge demands to know what THAT has to do with the case.
 
"Everything, your honour," replies the fortune-teller.  "My prediction will come true: the Reverend is already on the waiting list - I told him he'd have a HALO soon!!"


Edited by Sandra W - 21 May 2012 at 5:22pm
E-mail: swilliams888@hotmail.co.uk
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chrisrob
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Quote chrisrob Replybullet Posted: 20 May 2012 at 10:57am
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Sandra W
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 21 May 2012 at 8:51am

A man is diagnosed with Barrett’s and given a prescription for Omeprazole.  A few days later, he goes back to the doctor and says he can’t take the drug because it’s making him hallucinate and he keeps seeing leprechauns.

 

“Do you hear them as well?” asks the doctor, “and has anything like this ever happened before?”

 

“No," says the man, “never”.

 

The doctor gives the man a new prescription and tells him to come back in a week.  When he goes back, the doctor wants to know how he’s getting on with the new pills.

 

“Great," says the man.  “No problem at all - Tom reckons I should stay on these but take a higher dose because of the Barrett’s”.

 

“Who’s Tom?” asks the doctor.

 

The man replies: “The eldest of the leprechauns - he knows everything…..”

 

**********************************************************************************************

A dim-witted patient goes to get endoscopy results.

 

Doctor:  “You have Barrett’s Oesophagus”.

 

Patient:  “So who’s got mine?”

 

 



Edited by Sandra W - 21 May 2012 at 5:22pm
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 22 May 2012 at 8:28am

A real patient phones to book an appointment for an upper GI endoscopy.  Extract from (unfortunately) real conversation as follows:

 

Clerk: “Is it for a colonoscopy?”

 

Caller (on phone in very public place):  “No – other end”

 

Clerk (puzzled):  “But a colonoscopy is the other end”

 

Exasperated, the caller tries to explain:  “The appointment is for an OGD”

 

The clerk thinks for a minute, and then says:  “No – it says “gastroscopy” on the form”

 

HR needs to review selection criteria………..and that’s the top and bottom of it!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

E-mail: swilliams888@hotmail.co.uk
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 23 May 2012 at 9:54am

A Martian gastroenterologist travels to Earth and applies for a consultant’s post in the NHS.  He states on his application form that there is no work for him on Mars because it is a highly advanced planet where GORD is dealt with surgically at an early stage, so there are no PPIs and there is no Barrett’s.  When he attends for interview, he is asked why he wants to work in the NHS.  He begins to explain:

 

“I don’t have the brains and skill to be a surgeon.  I just want to make a lot of money.  Here I would have steady, highly lucrative work from clinics and endless endoscopies.  In addition, I could keep patients on PPIs indefinitely and supplement my salary with shares in the drug companies - the drugs don’t work, so I’d get extra cash from HALO treatments as well.  With experience, I could even go into the private sector……”

 

Before he can finish the sentence, the interviewer interrupts: 

"You’re absolutely perfect – how soon can you start?”


Edited by Sandra W - 23 May 2012 at 2:44pm
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 24 May 2012 at 8:15am

Researchers have been given the go-ahead for a study into the incidence and effects of chronic diarrhoea in the long-term use of PPIs.  The project is being sponsored by a toilet roll manufacturer.

 

Meanwhile, a water board is offering a "go less, pay less" 10% discount scheme to GORD sufferers who dump their PPIs in favour of fundoplication. 

 

***********************************************************************************************

E-mail: swilliams888@hotmail.co.uk
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Sandra W
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 25 May 2012 at 9:20am

A Barrett’s patient is refused HALO treatment because he doesn’t have HGD.  He e-mails a complaint to the Chief Executive who replies explaining that doctors have to follow the NICE guidelines.

 

The patient e-mails back:  “I don’t care if the rules are nice or not………….!

 
**********************************************************************************************
 
Ongoing controversy over medical versus surgical treatment of GORD escalated yesterday when two groups of demonstrators voiced conflicting opinions.

 

Outside the Royal College of Surgeons, disgruntled paper goods workers claimed that anti-reflux operations were putting jobs at risk by eliminating PPI and H2RA-induced diarrhoea and reducing demand for toilet rolls.

 

Meanwhile, campaigners who mobbed the Royal College of Physicians argued that side effects of the drugs were posing a threat to the environment by increasing consumption of paper and water.

 

Following the protests the situation developed further when a GORD patients’ union presented a petition to the GMC.  The covering letter stated that drug therapy was making life a misery for many reflux sufferers and demanded that patients be given the right to choose between medical and surgical options.

 
The dispute continues. 
**********************************************************************************************
 


Edited by Sandra W - 25 May 2012 at 9:52am
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 26 May 2012 at 9:16am

A Barrett’s oesophagus patient was arrested last night in connection with the theft of a toilet seat from a medical centre.

The suspect, who is on continuous PPI medication, was taken into custody after police raided his flat and found his toilet had no seat.  It was believed that he intended to replace it with the one missing from the clinic.

But the 35-stone fast food chef denied the allegations and claimed that he had removed the toilet seat from his bathroom after it had been badly damaged by excessive use due to side effects of his pills.

Police were later forced to release the man without charge after his solicitor told them:              “My client has nothing to go on, and nor have you”.

***********************************************************************************************



Edited by Sandra W - 26 May 2012 at 3:38pm
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Quote Sandra W Replybullet Posted: 27 May 2012 at 10:21am

A Barrett’s patient asks to stop taking PPIs because they are causing severe bloating, but his doctor refuses to agree to this.

 

“But it’s ridiculous,” says the man, “I look like I’m six months pregnant!!!”

 

The doctor replies:  “Think positive – at least you’ll get a seat on the train!!!”

 

***********************************************************************************************

 

E-mail: swilliams888@hotmail.co.uk
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